I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
two words: eviction party
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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