I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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