Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
