I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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