i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
