I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
