im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
