saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
