I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
