I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
