To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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