32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
