You made me cry and you don't even care
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
