It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
