i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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