dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
