He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
