he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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