The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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