On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
