"it" just moved
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
