i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
