Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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