Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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