I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
