I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Randomize
