My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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