Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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