you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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