i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
