I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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