In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
