she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
