dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
