I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
