I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
