He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
