I wish I could punch you in the face.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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