the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
