I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
