i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
