forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
