He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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