I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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