almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
