I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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