You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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