how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
