I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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