did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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