Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
