Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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