Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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