Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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