pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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