I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
