my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Dignity is for republicans.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
