Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
